shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
