There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
