ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I smell stomach acid.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
