why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
