new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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