Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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