I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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