I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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