Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
