Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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