Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
