I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
