You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
