She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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