My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
