My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
