did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
