I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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