my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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