I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
