im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
