He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
