Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
