I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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