I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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