The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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