my mouth tastes like poor choices
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
