Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
