she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
