I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
