chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
