Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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