Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
