Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
