Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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