you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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