he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize