You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize