Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
