Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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