The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
