That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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