I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
