I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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