I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
its liver damage thursday
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
