I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
