i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
