I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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