I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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