You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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