White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
