My nipple is on Facebook.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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