i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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