I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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