We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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