If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
we're so committed to being not committed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
