Someone shit on the floor
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
