If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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