Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Terrible idea I love it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
