Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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