P.S. I can't hear my feet
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
