If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
