Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
