i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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