Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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