I cannot find my penis.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
