Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
