Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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