Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
