theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
